Fear Factor

So... let's talk about fear.

For as long as I can remember, when people ask me about my fear, I have nothing to say. Simply because, as I have believed, I have nothing to fear. Rats, cockroaches and the other vermins that crawl around? They make my spine tingle with disgust but never in fear. Dying? Hardly an issue. Without a question, I was never afraid to die. Sometimes I tell them I'm afraid of the dark, which is sometimes true. But not really. Darkness is something I've always embraced, partly because it is where peace of mind can be found.

So what exactly do I fear?

It's only now that I've realized that there is something I fear above everything else. Something I've known all along but chose to ignore. Something so trivial that you might laugh at my own foolishness

I'm afraid of being alone.

...


Go ahead. Laugh. Take your time.

...

I realize how absurd it is. How childish and irrational that fear is. But being alone just scares the hell out of me. Especially when you're in unknown territory like where I am right now. At first, I reasoned to myself that it's only human to fear what you don't know. But I knew that this was a lie. I was just afraid to be stranded in some place I hardly know especially with so many stranger. Americans, blacks, spanish, they all seem intimidating to me. At least for now.

Of course, this is not the root of my fear. It goes way back. Way back into kindergarten. I remember the first time that I went to school. I was so afraid of my mom leaving me to face school alone, that I became so hysterical. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, crying and begging her not to leave me. It took a lot of effort on her part to persuade me to let her go. Oddly, it's a memory that only came back to me just now while I was contemplating on my fear.

Those are not the only instances. Take for example waiting, I've always hated wating... particulary when I'm waiting alone. I don't know why I hate it. Maybe it's because of the stares people give me, or the thought that people judge me from what they see.

It's tormenting and its draining every bit of emotion that I have.

Fortunately for me, the answer to my problems from myself. Surprisingly, I blurted this one out while watching a film about blood and gore and everything in between. And when I realized what I said, the meaning started to sink in. And I'm very much glad because what I said gave me something to hold on to for tomorrow.

"To conquer your fear, you have to face it"